Qualitative and quantitative time ...

Sometimes I reflect about the time I spend with the children. I had the impression I was giving them quantitative time but I was worried of not giving them qualitative time since I was not playing with them as much as I played when I only had one child. So I thought I would write about it and maybe I would get some insight.

Some time ago my husband and I went to an annual Family Seminar arranged in Stockholm and I heard for the first time someone talk of quantitative and qualitative time with the family.

At first I was a little confused by these terms. I guess it all depends how you define quantitative and qualitative. In a quite straightforward way quantitative referred to the amount of time spent with family and qualitative as the word says it was more related to the quality of the time spent with the family. However I don’t find it so easy to measure quality of time. Do you?

We had a very interesting exchange of ideas among the parents present at the seminar. Some said for instance that what really matters is the level of quality of the time spent with your family members. An example brought up was the case of a wife listening to her husband while she is preparing dinner. She is busy at the worktop, her back towards her husband, while her husband talks about a problem at work. Some brought up the point that certain matters should be discussed later in the evening while both parties are able to sit down and talk to each other in a more “qualitative” way. Others pointed out that sometimes in family life it can be difficult to find time for “qualitative” conversations.

Other parents for instance said that quantity time is more important than quality time. They meant that if a parent is away from home on a regular basis (too much work, trips away from the city, too active social life, etc) then it doesn’t really matter if he or she spends a few “qualitative” minutes with the children and spouse. In such a situation, the parent/spouse needs to reprioritize family in order to have more time.

Some parents said it was difficult for them to sit down and play with their children and that it was good enough for their children for them to be nearby. For instance sitting nearby reading a book, or being in the home at the same time as their children even if they weren’t doing something with their children. These parents favoured quantitative time.

I guess in an ideal situation a parent would like to spend both quantitative and qualitative time with their children and spouse. Maybe quantitative and qualitative have different weight depending on the child’s age. For instance a small baby is very happy to be around mommy even if mommy is not playing with baby but is holding baby on the lap while helping an older sibling with his or her school homework. On the other hand an older child that needs to talk to mom or dad about something that worries her or him needs qualitative time more than quantitative time.

As I write I realize I spend lots of time with my children. They follow along to shop the groceries, help me with the cooking and the laundry, follow along to church and to visit my friends. We sometimes sit together and play or read. But even when I have to do errands and they just follow along, we talk on the way and discuss things. So I guess even if I don’t sit down and play as much as I did before I am still giving them qualitative time. I hope that if you felt like me you can now feel contented with the time you spend with your family. If you already were happy with how you spend time with your family I hope this column can help you to reflect on it every now and then and bring up the issue among your friends.

You can write and let me know what your thoughts on the matter are.